Elaine Jarvik is a Salt Lake City playwright and freelance writer. For three decades she was a journalist for The Deseret News, where she won national, regional and statewide first-place awards for her reporting and writing. Every so often she waves at the boxes of these plaques when she goes to her basement to find a wrench or a card table.
She was born in Washington, D.C. in 1946, grew up in Maryland, went to school at Syracuse University (BA in American Studies, 1967) and Northwestern University (MSJ in Journalism, 1968), studied in Florence, lived in Bologna, and worked at a newspaper in Stamford, CT before moving to Utah in 1971 so her then-husband could design artificial hearts. As a reporter she has interviewed the Dalai Lama, George H.W. Bush, Mr. Rogers and thousands of other people who generously shared their lives with her. In 2002 she began reading books on playwriting and then began writing very short plays (or maybe it was the other way around). In 2008, her 10-minute play “Dead Right” was produced at the Humana Festival of New American Plays at the Actors Theater of Louisville, was published by Playscripts, Inc., has been subsequently produced in nine states, Canada, Mexico and Australia, and is anthologized in the textbook “Bedford Introduction to Literature.”
Her full-length plays have been produced at the Salt Lake Acting Company (“(a man enters)” and “Two Stories”), Plan B Theatre (“Marry Christmas,” “Based on a True Story,” and “River. Swamp. Cave. Mountain.”), and Pygmalion Theatre (“The Coming Ice Age”). Her play about Susan B. Anthony, “Four Women Talking About the Man Under the Sheet,” will be produced by the Salt Lake Acting Company in the Spring of 2020.
Works
Excerpt from “Based on a True Story.”
In this scene, Megan has just run away from her husband, a time-travel tow truck driver, during an argument on the P-F Highway. Now she sits in a time taxi, trying to collect her thoughts, which are interrupted by the taxi driver, Vladlena.
VLADLENA
In case you didn’t see ad, we are doing special today: Michelangelo painting Sistine Chapel. You know Sistine Chapel? Today is only 450 plus tax. . . . I can get you on scaffold, near very top. This is not something you can get on tour bus. There, is just basic view, from bottom. With me, top of scaffold. You can smell paint and sweat even.
MEGAN
That’s okay.
VLADLENA
You ever see him paint? He is like crazy man.
MEGAN
I’ve been to the Sistine Chapel.
VLADLENA
In 16th century?
MEGAN
I’ve seen the videos of him working.
VLADLENA
Actor playing Michelangelo or real Michelangelo?
MEGAN
Real. The videos they gook last year.
VLADLENA
Is different in person. Is always different in person. I can take you to exact time he is painting God reaching finger to Adam. This is always big hit.
MEGAN
I’m not really in a God mood right now.
VLADLENA
You’re angry at God?
MEGAN
No. No I’m . . .
VLADLENA
You don’t believe in? Me neither but is a nice story. God and Adam. A beautiful painting. (SHE waits for a response, gets none) Or we could do Shakespeare. You look like somebody would like Shakespeare. I can get you into Hamlet, just 499. Hamlet rehearsal I’m saying, where Shakespeare is talking to actors. All actors are men, even playing Ophelia.
MEGAN
Can you just take me back to where you picked me up?
VLADLENA
Will still cost you 300. There is new fare schedule from last week.
MEGAN
Then I should have caught a taxi from the week before.
VLADLENA
Doesn’t work like that.
MEGAN
I was making a little time travel joke.
VLADLENA
Three hundred to go nowhere. I’m just saying . .
MEGAN
(beat) Okay, you’re right. I’ll (new resolve) . . . Take me to March 10, 2008.
VLADLENA
Just eight years trip?
MEGAN
Yes.
VLADLENA
Is still 300 minimum.
MEGAN
I understand.
VLADLENA
Okay. Is your choice. But in my opinion, big waste of money.
MEGAN
And I forgot to say: Salt Lake City.
VLADLENA
Really? Is not very exciting. I am just there this morning, as matter of fact, to pick up elderly couple and take them to Nauvoo, 1846. Mormon “Saints” leaving Nauvoo with // handcarts.
MEGAN
And did I say 5 o’clock? 5 p.m. March 10, 2008. Ninth East and Ninth South, Salt Lake City.
VLADLENA
. . . Okay. But you can’t change your mind. I am just saying. (shrugging) Okay. Read this and tap where says “credit card.” (SHE hands MEGAN her phone to read the terms of service.) Tap where says “not responsible for failure to witness past events of significance.”
MEGAN reads the contract, signs, gives the phone back to VLADLENA, who stops the taxi and continues to do some “paperwork” during the following.
VLADLENA (CONT’D)
That guy was with you back there, you know him?
MEGAN
Yes.
VLADLENA
I saw him sometimes out here. Works for Time Travel Towing? Triple T?
MEGAN
He’s my husband.
VLADLENA
You are trying to run away from him?
MEGAN
No! . . . He said something and I overreacted. We’ve been under a lot of stress lately.
VLADLENA
He seems like nice man.
MEGAN
He is. He’s a really nice man.
VLADLENA
You have children?
MEGAN
No. We . . .
VLADLENA
You ever been to 17th century? Early 17th? Very early, for example 1601?
MEGAN
This is my first trip. Hendrix keeps asking me to come out here with him and I’ve been afraid to go anywhere. Or I guess it’s anywhen. (MEGAN laughs at her joke)
VLADLENA
That is old joke.
MEGAN
Oh.
VLADLENA
There is actor in “Hamlet,” actor who plays Horatio. Every time I see him I say “damn.” You know what I’m talking?
MEGAN
He’s a bad actor.
VLADLENA
No there is something about him. The way edges of his mouth turn up, like things is always amusing him. You know that kind of mouth? Every time I see him I am wishing I was alive then instead of now.
MEGAN
Except for The Black Death and the lack of indoor plumbing.
VLADLENA
Black Death is 14th Century.
MEGAN
Also 17th.
VLADLENA
Black Death Excursion is 14th. . . . (putting down her phone) Okay, let’s get this show on the road! Ready?
MEGAN
Yes.
VLADLENA
Okay. March . . . (SHE adjusts a knob)
MEGAN
Tenth.
VLADLENA
Tenth. Okay. (SHE adjusts another knob) Two thousand and
Suddenly there’s a loud popping noise and THEY lurch forward.
VLADLENA
OxyeTb! (ohooiet: holy fuck!)
MEGAN
What happened?
VLADLENA
Maybe is chronocoupler.
MEGAN
Can you fix it?
VLADLENA
Depends.
MEGAN
On?
VLADLENA
Whether is chronocoupler. I need to get out and check this.
VLADLENA steps out of the vehicle. MEGAN starts to get out too.
VLADLENA
Whoa whoa whoa! You need to stay inside vehicle at all times until we reach destination, as says in terms of service.
MEGAN sits back down. VLADLENA pokes around the taxi.
VLADLENA (CONT’D)
Hmmmm.
MEGAN
What.
VLADLENA
Okay. Listen, I am adjusting chronocoupler. What I need for you is to pull lever. You see lever? At same time I turn chronocoupler, you pull lever.
MEGAN
I’m not sure.
VLADLENA
By your feet. I turn, you pull. At same time.
MEGAN
Ummm . . . . Wait, I think I found it.
VLADLENA
Okay, when I say “pull” you pull. When I count to five. One, two // three
MEGAN
I think this is the lever. Is this // the lever
VLADLENA
Not yet!
Suddenly there is a loud popping sound, a flashing of lights, a vroom, and a blackout. We hear MEGAN yelling “Help!” Followed by a very long, disorienting silence. Then lights up on MEGAN in the taxi, stunned. VLADLENA is gone. MEGAN sits there for a while, then gingerly gets out and looks around, clearly confused. A strong wind is blowing. Eventually a policeman, SGT. LOPEZ, rides up on a bike.
SGT. LOPEZ
Is ‘at yours?
MEGAN looks around to see who SGT. LOPEZ is talking to.
SGT. LOPEZ (CONT’D) Can’t park it here.
MEGAN
Can you see me?
SGT. LOPEZ
Is it yours?
MEGAN
I thought you aren’t supposed to be able to see me. Isn’t that the way it works?
SGT. LOPEZ
A ’15 Flash King, looks like. That where you’re from? 2105?
MEGAN
Sixteen.
SGT. LOPEZ
Well you can’t park it here.
MEGAN
Is this 2008?
SGT. LOPEZ
Does it look like 2008?
MEGAN
I don’t know. I don’t get why you can see me.
SGT. LOPEZ
Look, I don’t know what they taught you in taxi college, or whatever, but that’s for a past.
MEGAN
This is a past.
SGT. LOPEZ
Not to get all logical on you, but as someone once said, I see you, therefore it isn’t. Also, not to be repetitive, but you can’t park your cab here.
MEGAN
Oh, no, it’s not mine.
SGT. LOPEZ
I saw you get out of it.
MEGAN
I’m the passenger.
SGT. LOPEZ
Where’s the, whaddyacallit, the “driver”?
MEGAN
Uh…. (SHE points to somewhere toward the sky)
SGT. LOPEZ
(speaking into a device) Code Double T. Twenty-sixteen. Traditional female. Possible hijack. (to MEGAN) You wanna tell me what’s going on?
MEGAN
I was trying to get to 2008.
SGT. LOPEZ
(into the device) Megan Nichols. DOB 5/16/74. (to MEGAN) So the “driver” what, “disappeared?”
MEGAN
There was something wrong with the . . . something, the chronosomething, and then she said to pull the lever and then there was this flash. On the P-F.
SGT. LOPEZ
(beat) Okay, you’re gonna need a place to sleep.
During the following, MEGAN tries to use her phone.
MEGAN
I don’t need a place to sleep. I’m going back home. I’m going to get a taxi. A taxi that works.
SGT. LOPEZ
First of all, with what? A “credit card”? Or maybe doubloons? (into her device) Good. (to MEGAN) They’re sending a van.
MEGAN
My phone isn’t working.
SGT. LOPEZ
Because you’ve done 30.
MEGAN
A what?
SGT. LOPEZ
Sixteen to 46. A 30.
MEGAN
Forty-six what?
SGT. LOPEZ
2046. You could sue the taxi company, but there’s a statute of limitations at 25.
MEGAN
. . . Are you saying I’m in 2046?
SGT. LOPEZ
We’re in 2046.
MEGAN
But my husband is in 2016.
SGT. LOPEZ
(trying to be patient) No. He’ll be here too. . . . Unless he died.
MEGAN
Died!
SGT. LOPEZ
If he isn’t dead he’ll be, ipso facto, here, timewise.
MEGAN
Wait.
SGT. LOPEZ
Don’t worry, the price has come down a lot on the treatments. Of course I don’t know your husband, he might be more off the grid, facewise, but either way, it’s a lot of time to be gone. The male-spousal-separation-threshold is about five years. The friend-neighbor’s 20. Then factor in the techno-cultural-event etcetera for you, and any way you look at it, you’ve done a 30. And as they say, “30 is the new 40.”
MEGAN
Wait.
SGT. LOPEZ
Even the folks who did a future on purpose usually haven’t thought through the implications.
MEGAN
But . . .
SGT. LOPEZ
What’s your address.
MEGAN
(relieved) 1606 S. 1700 East.
SGT. LOPEZ
What city?
MEGAN
(duh) Salt Lake.
SGT. LOPEZ
Utah?
MEGAN
(duh) Yes.
SGT. LOPEZ
(checking her device) Apartment complex?
MEGAN
‘40s rambler. Updated.
SGT. LOPEZ
Looks like an apartment complex.
MEGAN
Nope.
SGT. LOPEZ
I’m looking right at it.
MEGAN
It’s a gray one-story.
SGT. LOPEZ
So, let’s do a reality check: You are now in Chicago. In 2046. In Salt Lake City, you have no house. In Chicago, you also have no money and no job. Which pisses a lot of people off, because now you’re gonna be using a bunch of resources the rest of us have paid for. Your husband, if he’s still alive, is, I’m betting, not in Chicago, and he probably has another life by now. So be thankful there’s a van coming for you.
MEGAN
Wait, let me think this through.
Bibliography
- “Dead Right,” Playscripts, Inc. (2009) anthologized in The Bedford Introduction to Literature (2013)
